What do I want to do?

Thinking aloud about some big questions in my life.

A bunch of important events are about to happen soon. I will be graduating and seeking employment. And I am getting married. I am often asked "what do you plan to do after you graduate?" I have never been particularly handy with an answer. Most of my life has just happened, without me taking very many active decisions. I have often picked something I like from a bunch of choices, but the choices have been fairly simple, almost taken by default because it seemed the best thing to do at the time. I have never really rebelled against what was expected of me, or questioned prevalent notions of success in any radical way. . .instead I continued just trying to do well in whatever I was doing and moving onto the next step. School, College, and now a PhD just happened with me mostly hanging on.

There are a bunch of things I enjoy doing. I like the scientific method, and I like being around smart people. . .I love the academic environment. I like music. . .both playing it and the social aspects of making it in a group. I like writing overall, as long as it's not for my thesis. I like learning new things when the fancy takes me. I would like to travel and experience life in a meaningful way. . .and if possible, make a positive difference to the world. I would also like to settle down and grow some roots. . . something I didn't experience while growing up. Having money and power would be nice, because I would hate being kicked around or exploited. . .but I feel I will outgrow them if I do achieve any significant status. Freedom is really nice. A good work-life balance would help.

At an age where many of my peers pursuing very specific career goals, in the interest of honesty, I find myself very lacking in focus. On some level, settling down to a job and a house in the suburbs seems too settled. Travelling in a transferrable job too unsettling. Academia seems too competitive and requiring too much personal sacrifice. . .though a tenured faculty position does seem like one of the best possible jobs in the world. The industry might be a good place, but I wonder about my temperament and how it will fit in a corporate environment. The Government seems to be good too from a "making a difference" point of view, but I am not a citizen. I think I'd thrive in an international job. . . but molecular biology or pharmacy is done inside a lab. Also (in spite of preparing for this for the past 7 years), am I really ready for marriage?

If my past life is anything to go by, things will work out. I will get a job. And I will probably make some sensible decisions when the time comes. . . and go for stability over adventure, marriage over singleness, a house over a rental. In the absence of very many clear ideas of what it is that I really want, I'll just wing it based on what comes my way. In some ways I am truly like this. In other ways, there are parallel lives I might have led. I am very fortunate to have as many options as I do. . . the position to dream so globally. Maybe thinking aloud on this blog is as far as I'll go to exploring the big wide exciting world of options and experiences that is potentially open to me.

Anyway. I'll get back to living my life. Instead of thinking about it. The nitty gritty of graduating. And when people ask me what I want to do after this, I'll confidently reply "I am looking for industrial postdocs and R&D positions in research institutes and pharma companies."